Your toxic man doesn’t want you until you’re finally over him, and then he finds you irresistible. Leaving an abusive relationship for good means you need to know how to protect yourself.
He wants you. You give in. Then he doesn’t want you. It hurts.
You find the strength to walk away. He wants you. You give in.
Then he doesn’t want you. Rinse and repeat.
If you’re anything like I was and attracted commitment-phobic, toxic men, you may have had the confounding experience of finally getting the strength to stay away from your guy for good, only to have him come back on hands and knees, swearing that he really, really loves you and that he’s really changed this time.
If you believe him, the “Pursue/Panic” cycle can start all over again. Why does he do this?
In their seminal book, Men Who Can’t Love, Julia Sokol and Steven Carter say, “Often, all the commitment-phobic needs to alleviate his anxiety is distance. The relationship is over, so he is no longer frightened. Thus, the feelings he has for you are free to surface in this non-threatening environment. No longer panicked by the trap, he misses you. So he calls.”
“When that happens, usually the scenario is played out all over again. The only difference, this time it’s faster.”
I’ve been in two toxic relationships.
You can’t believe the intensity of the love letters I received from my two commitment-phobes when I finally got strong enough to walk away.